Why I “Run” (and a little bit of #ThrowbackThursday)

by ~jenniferlynn on October 11, 2012

in Me

I’ve repeated multiple times between here and on Twitter that I dislike running. I don’t understand the “runner’s high” and since I started lifting, I struggle to see the sense in putting in hours and hours of cardio in a week, when I can do all my workouts and burn just as much body fat and stay fit in three hours a week as someone who is putting an hour of cardio a day.

But my fitness history did start with running. I trained for my first 5k last year and somewhat enjoyed running, but not enough to continue beyond the end of the year. But for whatever reason, I signed up again for the same race I did last year in downtown Detroit, to be run in just over a week. I guess it’s a bit of nostalgia, in a sense.

I don’t have my heart in running. I run (or better yet, I “wog”, an endearing term I read on someone’s blog and I cannot for the life of me find it again so I apologize if I stole your term), I can’t breathe, my calves and shins hurt, my chest and lungs hurt, my ears and nose hurt, my eyes water. It’s a painful experience. And that’s to run a mile. I don’t want to do much more than that because I don’t like the whole being uncomfortable part.

Yet… sometimes, I want to run. It is not to lose weight or to become “fit”, and it’s not like I plan on being the fastest runner in a marathon, but I did come up with two completely different, completely honest reasons:

  1. When I was in school, I was always one of the smart kids. I never had to try. Never had to study, never spent hours writing papers or cramming for tests. School just came naturally. In applying for jobs, I pretty much was hired for any position I was interested in. And sometimes positions just fell into my lap. Many things just come easily to me.

    However, in working out, the whole things coming naturally to me isn’t there. I am not a natural runner, nor am I a natural lifter. I have to work hard for these things and it is not something I’m used to.

    pullup jennifer
    I am amazed and inspired at so many stories of girls (and guys) that went from no athletic ability at all to running half marathons and marathons within a year, while I am still struggling to run a 5k after training a year ago. I see these Crossfitting chicks squatting 200lbs and deadlifting 300lbs, while I am hurting at my lower numbers. I want to be like these people. All of them. I want to finish a marathon and be a powerlifter and compete in crossfit and be a figure competitor. But I can’t be all of those things nor do all of those things, so I need to scale it down. But it’s still in the back of mind to stay motivated because I want that feeling of excelling at anything that I am doing, and it’s frustrating as all heck not to just have it come naturally.

    Oh.. did I tell you I’m an awesome bowler, too?

  2. I run because my sister inspires me. I tried to find a picture of her doing anything remotely athletic, but all I came up with was duck faces, multiple pictures of her with drinks in hand, and many more of her eating.. but here we are:

    She is a born-runner. She was very involved in sports from playing T-Ball in kindergarten to soccer and track in high school. She easily runs 5 miles a day, then rollerblades 10 miles in the evening to keep up with her husky pup. I tried to run with her once, and of course, struggled miserably. She has not run one official race ever, but her runs are typically under a 9 minute mile (I run a 11:30ish).

    I asked her what she thinks about when she’s running, and how she can just run and run. She told me two things: my brother, and my dad.My brother was born with spina bifida, and has never been able to walk. He is super intelligent and other than not being able to use his legs, could do anything he put his mind to.
    Yet he never really did. Other than being able to rattle off sports stats and other useless trivia (useless to me at least!), he spent much of his time watching TV and playing video games. Then one day, he met his soulmate online. And after hardly leaving the house in nearly 30 years, he up and moved from Michigan to California. And it was the best thing ever for him to do.

    My sister said she runs for him. Because if he had an opportunity for one day to run, he wouldn’t think twice about it. We take our legs and our physical abilities for granted, but there are so many others out there that wish they had a chance to do things we can. And the fact that someone like my brother could push 100% outside of his comfort zone to do what he did, why am I whining and complaining when I run a mile?

    Mikey, Kristen, and Me (glad she grew out of the ugly baby look.. hehe)


    The second, and I won’t say more important, but maybe a bit more meaningful, is my dad.

    The past week marked my Dad’s 58th birthday, and his “deathday,” I guess it would be called. Seven years ago yesterday, my dad passed away, and this past week has been a struggle. I try to keep positive on the outside, but sometimes it’s extremely difficult to not think about the sad things.

    I wrote out a long blog post out yesterday, reliving the events of finding out he had cancer, to things taking a positive turn, to him being able to walk me down the aisle at my wedding (which is even more saddening that it didn’t last..), to the day my sisters came up to my work in tears saying they wanted to put my Dad under hospice care, to the day that I had off of work but didn’t want to visit my dad because I was uncomfortable with hospitals, and then the day I got the call from my sister. I will be the first to tell you that I have the most horrible memory. Like the period that I was married? Kind of washed from my memory. Much of my childhood? I can tell you things I know I’ve seen in pictures, but not much beyond that. Mention a movie quote? Couldn’t tell you what it was from. Yet I clearly remember my sister calling me that night saying, “Everything is going to be okay now. Dad isn’t suffering anymore.” Kristen was 17 at the time.

    The last picture ever taken with my dad..

    As I thought back as these events and wrote them out in more detail, I sobbed at my desk at work, and every time I would stop to think of a happy memory, I would just turn back to thinking about him not being around anymore. And even now, it’s hard not to get super teary about it.. honestly, it sucks.  I scrapped my whole post because it was hard to write, and even harder to proofread. Even the shortened version here is extremely tough to relive.

    But.. the point is, my sister runs for my dad. She runs because he would be proud of her, and he would want to see her doing something that she loves to do. He always pushed us to do our best and was always proud of our accomplishments and let us know it. When my dad was around, my highest level of athleticism was third grade softball, but now, I can do so much more and I am so much more than I was then. So I want to run to make him proud.

    Kristen and Daddy

They say that life doesn’t get easier, you just get stronger. And I love this quote in relation to lifting, and I’m hoping to one day relate it to running. However, there are so many things that no matter how many times you try and confront them, it is very hard to stay strong..

Sports Bras And Sippy Cups October 11, 2012 at 10:49 pm

I LOVE this! Thank you for sharing I relate to you on so many levels! You & your sister are inspiring!

~jenniferlynn October 12, 2012 at 9:39 am

Thanks so much for reading, Joanna! 🙂

masters2marathons
Twitter: mast2mar
October 12, 2012 at 1:17 am

Thank you Jen for sharing you family’s story, from your sis to your bro to your dad. I think you are incredibly brave for sharing it with us all. And I have no doubt that if events had turned out otherwise in my life with my dad (you know what I’m talking about) that I would feel the same way because reading your story feels eerily similar (like parallel universe kind of way) to what I went through just over a year ago. I felt in some ways like I was reading my own thoughts/feelings and so I too got teary eyed reading your post.

There are lots of causes/charities to be a part of if you want to run or volunteer for whatever type of cancer your father passed from, that is if you want to do/be involved in something that brings you closer to your dad. I wore my dog’s bandana “Tripawds Rule” during my 5k because she is an inspiration to me every day. So I encourage you to find a place/something to wear (or even make something yourself!).

Yes running is hard, but there is something about confronting your own mind/thoughts during the process that is cathartic, for me anyway. I also get a similar experience when I swim, lap after lap, breathing every three strokes, comforting repetitive motion that allows my body to go on ‘autopilot’ and just let the thoughts come and deal with them along the way. Even if you don’t ever ‘love’ running, you could turn to other cardio exercises like cycling or swimming (if you like either more than running) and still ‘do’ either for your dad or brother. Final thought, my yoga instructor always reminds me to set an intention for the practice or dedicate it to someone that day, you could always do that too. There are lots of possibilities.
🙂
Sending you love and hugs!!! Chloe sends old lady doggie kisses (with bad breath)!

~jenniferlynn October 12, 2012 at 9:59 am

That is so sweet that you ran for your doggie! 🙂 Isn’t it crazy the amount of love that we can have for a pet? I was talking about this the other day to Jared, how I think many people are sometimes more sensitive to animals and them getting hurt or dying than we are to people!

My dad passed away from trachea cancer, but I am doing a charity event in the spring for the American Lung Association; it’s along the same lines and is relevant to why people need to quit smoking so these types of things can be prevented in the first place. I think I will have to use my dad for motivation when I do that, because it’s a 70-flight stair run! o.O !

I love that thought about the yoga.. I am going to use that in all of my workouts! Just have something to put me in a different mental mindset to push me harder.. love it!

Thanks, girlie.. <3

Jill
Twitter: JoggingJeans
October 12, 2012 at 5:00 am

This is the most beautiful post I’ve read in a long time.
Thank you for sharing, Jennifer. [hug]

~jenniferlynn October 12, 2012 at 9:40 am

Thank you, Jill.. it means a lot to me! 🙂

Bethany Lee
Twitter: bethanyjolee
October 12, 2012 at 7:08 am

Jennifer, so glad you guys mentioned me on Twitter yesterday so that I could follow the path and come to this post. I’ve not been a good bloggy buddy–mostly just uninspired. So please accept my apologies and here, I am so glad I came here this morning.
This post is so touching and inspired and leaves me very thoughtful of not only why I run, but why I am into health and fitness in the first place. I think we all come to things in our lives, things we are passionate about, for deeper reasons than we often share with others. It is beautiful that you shared your story with us. The pictures speak of the truth behind the love that is evident in your post.
Don’t worry about not liking running right now. I still think you are trying to run too fast and too far. Try a quarter of a mile at a 12:30 pace. Build yourself up. Crawl before you walk, walk before you run. I will write a post about this. In the meantime, know that I’m thinking/praying for you during this time as you are thinking about your dad and his passing.
Much love–
Bethany

~jenniferlynn October 12, 2012 at 9:45 am

You want to join our knitting club? Well, Martha says except we don’t knit; we just blog and cry.. hehe 😉
I totally understand not being inspired sometimes; for a couple weeks I just haven’t had much to blog about and have just been reflecting on my personal life and being all sad. Once I start writing, I want to keep writing.. but sometimes that feeling just isn’t there.
Thank you for the nice comments.. It’s frustrating to me because I *know* I am physically capable of running 3.1 miles straight. I did it last September (36:14 was my time) and did not stop once. Now, I choose to do run/walk when I go. Yesterday I did 2.25 miles in 28 minutes. Not fast by any means, but I felt good doing it. And I was thinking about the post I was going to write, and it was easy for me to just let go and just run, without stressing out or thinking too much about it. I’d love to be able to have those kinds of thoughts (or lack of thoughts) all the time when I run. I think too much and get frustrated with myself.
This upcoming race I did last year in 34:03 for the 5k; I’d like to at least beat that by a minute or so, yet I haven’t exactly been conditioning myself for it.. we shall see!

Dawn
Twitter: Inkdgirl55
October 12, 2012 at 7:31 am

Jen
This was such a powerful message. A great post from you. Heartfelt! Carry on doing what you are doing, you are a star! We are all different people, we all train for different things. If your heart is in it you will achieve anything you set your mind too. You rock on girl

~jenniferlynn October 12, 2012 at 9:46 am

Thank you, Dawn!! That was really sweet 🙂

Jared October 12, 2012 at 7:52 am

Good post today.

~jenniferlynn October 12, 2012 at 9:46 am

<3

noshingonasphalt October 12, 2012 at 8:06 am

I <3 you Jennifer! Your dad sounds like a super amazing guy and I know that he would be totally proud of his little girl and the amazing woman you are. I can imagine him smiling down looking at his 'non-athletic' girl turned BA weightlifter and saying, "Yep, that's her! Accomplishing anything she puts her mind to." Truthfully, it sounds like you have a pretty amazing family; from your brother living his life without limitations to your speedy sister. Family, at least for me, is my rock – especially dealing with my brother's death (which will also mark 7 years on 11-16). Thank you for sharing about your father, I know it's not easy to do but I really hope that it may help you in your healing journey. You are amazing – don't forget it!

~jenniferlynn October 12, 2012 at 9:49 am

Thank you so much, Gina! I seriously could dedicate paragraphs on how awesome my dad was; this post doesn’t nearly go into any detail about it. Do you know at his funeral there were people complaining at the funeral home that there wasn’t any parking for them to see their family? It was like the largest turnout for the place. I don’t think my dad had one enemy and seriously, everyone loved him. He was really active at our church, and played softball, and bowled, and just was an awesome dad to us kids. I kinda left out my mom and other sister in this post, but yeah, family is such a huge support system, especially since they have all been through the same thing.
<3

jenbigham
Twitter: Jenbigham
October 12, 2012 at 8:32 am

Thank you for finding a way to share this story, Jennifer! I know it was hard and you are so brave for sharing! I just started reading your blog recently (thanks Believe I Am #sistersinsport!) and I can tell what an amazing person you are already. Good luck during this tough time. I’m thinking of you.
I think it’s great that you push yourself out of your comfort zone for fitness. I’m a runner, one of those runners where it just feels right for me, but I know not everyone is that way, and I admire those (like you!) who do it to challenge themselves.
Take care, thinking of you!

~jenniferlynn October 12, 2012 at 9:51 am

Thank you, Jen.. I am excited to be part of the #sistersinsport and have such amazing girls to motivate and inspire me! You crazy runners make me want to put down the weights for a few minutes and crank out a mile or two! 😉
I love to hear what inspires others, so really wanted to share my message, too!

Nina @ Sweating It October 12, 2012 at 9:23 am

Sending you love! This post hit home for me – coincidentally, the anniversary of my dad’s death was last week too, and I also started running “for” my dad- my family and I decided to participate in a 5K fundraiser for the cancer he had. It was kind of a gateway drug and I started running longer races. I don’t love running, per se, but it is a great release for me, even when I can only go very slow for a very short distance. And I’m sure people have told you this before, but it gets easier with time- if you run three times a week, all of the symptoms you described fall away and you’re just left with beautiful scenery and your thoughts. 🙂

~jenniferlynn October 12, 2012 at 9:54 am

Thank you so much for the comment, Nina! I don’t think it ever gets much easier. I was such a Daddy’s girl and even though the years pass, it’s still just so sad sometimes!
I think I may stick to running a couple times a week, more for the mental part of it and not so much the fit part of it.. it is nice to just not think about anything and to just let go when running.. and I know so many runner girls who blog about that. I’ve love to have that feeling!

Courtney @ Journey of a Dreamer
Twitter: courtnorm
October 12, 2012 at 10:13 am

I totally get where you are coming from. I was the same way – always having stuff come easily…. everything except physical activity! I struggle for each step and each lift. Which makes it even more rewarding! Keep it up girl – You’re gonna go far!

~jenniferlynn October 12, 2012 at 10:34 am

Thanks, Courtney!! Always nice to see others who have the same struggles (and I don’t mean that in a bad way lol).

Connie Du October 12, 2012 at 11:39 am

Jennifer, this post totally made me tear up!! I’m glad you had the courage to write this, and as hard as it probably was, I hope you felt better afterwards. Although this cannot compare to losing my own father, my boyfriend’s father passed away from prostate cancer around this time two years ago. I was there for each piece of more devastating news, and we were by his side when he was under hospice care until the day he passed. Witnessing such a hard time for a family was very difficult, and it only makes me think about how painful it was and still is for you. Your family seems so inspirational, and I hope you remember that there is a special angel watching over you every day! I’m positive your father is proud of all that you’ve accomplished! Keep your head up and stay strong girl 🙂 I love that last quote – life doesn’t get easier, you just get stronger!

~jenniferlynn October 12, 2012 at 11:41 am

Thank you for the kind words, Connie!! It is so hard to go through; and being there for your boyfriend I am sure you can see what an emotional toll it takes! I originally had a longer post that was pages long recounting the events in way more detail, but it makes me feel kinda good to be able to still show the emotions that I’m feeling without having to put theentire story out there. Thank you for reading it and the kind words.. I love my blogging buddies <3

Kat
Twitter: KatSnF
October 12, 2012 at 11:57 am

This is a very sweet story, Jennifer, and I learned so much about you in one post! Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt story with us! I know your father is so proud of you and watching over you and knows that his daughter is living the best and healthiest life possible 😉

~jenniferlynn October 12, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Thank you, Kat 🙂 All of you blogging ladies inspire me so much!!

Mary
Twitter: inmyheadspace
October 12, 2012 at 2:21 pm

I can totally relate to most of this- thanks for sharing 🙂

Kristin October 12, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I’m new to your blog, but I’m about to subscribe…you sound a lot like me. I actually signed up for 3 5k races this past summer, and didn’t RUN any of them. I ran during them, but even at that, my pace is slooowwww. It’s ok, I love the feeling of accomplishment, and I’m getting that with weights too. I run because it’s fun, it’s freeing, and I feel like I’m pushing my personal limits. I lift because I’ve always been weak, and I’m tired of it. 🙂

~jenniferlynn October 12, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Kristin– So happy to have you here! 🙂 Love ladies that love to lift!! And boo hiss at runners. 😉 Just kidding.. I love my running buddies!

Jill Conyers (@jillconyers) October 12, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Great post. As a new reader I enjoyed reading something that reveals a lot about you. Thanks for sharing!

I’m one of those that went from totally non-athletic to ultra marathon runner and I totally get the runner’s high 🙂

[Fitness, Health and Happiness]

~jenniferlynn October 13, 2012 at 8:40 am

Thanks for the comment, Jill! Running is one of those things that I really wish I could like.. and maybe if I keep at it I can learn to fall in love with it like many others do, but just a huge struggle to get past that uncomfortable part.

Carolina October 13, 2012 at 9:13 am

I love to run and only because I follow the Jeff Galloway run/walk/run method. Check out his website and training plans…maybe it will work for you. Let me know!
http://www.jeffgalloway.com/
I’m so sorry about your Dad.
Visiting from SITS Saturday sharefest
Carolina
sewcarolinaknits

~jenniferlynn October 13, 2012 at 9:18 am

Thank you for the advice, Carolina! I’m always looking for new ways to improve my “running” and trying to get better! I will check it out!! 🙂

Erin @ Girl Gone Veggie October 13, 2012 at 10:07 am

What a beautiful post. We all have to find our motivation to do what we do, it sounds like you have some people that really mean a lot to you that you want to honor!
Erin @ Girl Gone Veggie recently posted..Running Outside For The First TimeMy Profile

Sam @ The Second Lunch October 13, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Thank you, thank you for sharing this, especially during this difficult week. Beautiful, inspiring. (And a hug from across the Internet.)
Sam @ The Second Lunch recently posted..10 11 12My Profile

~jenniferlynn October 13, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Aw, Sam. Thank you so much for reading!

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