I recently heard someone rant about the twisted dating world the hopeless romantics live in these days, where there is very little respect and commitment when it comes to making plans, keeping plans, and the nonconfrontational breakups that happen when one is ghosted, slowly fading into the world ignored messages and unopened snaps. Did you know that’s how it works these days? Extremely passive. Extremely annoying. Yet, I am guilty of the same.
You know, things start well, you go out a time or two, and then… meh.
He’s too aggressive. He’s too shy. He didn’t open the door. He was too much of a pushover. He talked too much about himself. He blew up my phone. He wasn’t attentive enough. He was a terrible kisser. He wanted to move too fast. He has kids. He lives too far. He was too self-centered. He was controlling. He wasn’t over his ex. (And no, these aren’t all totally real life examples of my own..).
Something that stood out to me was the argument that this generation is always looking for something better, and the era of ghosting allows us to quietly exit and move on to something new without fear of knowingly hurting someone’s feelings or having to explain anything. Women and men no longer quick to commit to someone because there could be someone who is more attractive, a better lover, better listener; someone who has more similar interests, or someone who has their life already figured out.
We all have this picture perfect idea of what our “dream guy” or “dream girl” is supposed to look like, what type of job he has, ideal income level or education, political affiliation or religion. We all know what we want on paper, yet how often do the ones we fall for actually fit that mold?
If I take a look at my history of guys I have dated (who I have not met on the internet..), and if I started filling out checkboxes of my “ideal”, chances are none of them would have made the cut, yet I invested much of my time in these guys and despite not being in a current relationship with any of them – I do not regret any of it. Oddly enough, the ones who I do pre-screen with filling in the checkboxes online – don’t ever last beyond a couple dates.
Over the last year I have done a lot of soul searching, a lot of personal growth, and a LOT of self-love. I have worked to set such a high standard for myself and the things I fuel my body, mind, and soul. I focus on good energies coming in and push the negative out. I’m cautious of my social circle, avoid news and politics, and cleaned my Facebook to the point where it’s flooded with people with a similar mindset as me. I believe everyone should do a similar exercise, evaluating where you are at, who you spend your time with, what you are allowing in.
So why wouldn’t you, after setting such a high standard for yourself, want to set a high standard for someone you want to commit your time to? Just as you should continuously work on yourself, you should work on the company you keep.
In thinking of 4 people I have talked to this week, two males, two females, each person from a different social circle of mine. One guy is divorced, two kids, with a breakup so terrible she has blocked his number and refuses to even make eye contact when they have to see each other. Another father of two, going through a divorce, also carries such hostility towards his cheating ex. A close female friend is so emotionally abused by her husband who doesn’t allow her to fuel her own passions but financially supports her, and another good friend is being shamed and guilted for trying to find her own self in this world three years post-baby.
If I start thinking of married couples I know, I think I can name ONE who are happy.
I am not saying that no one should get married, nor saying that it was a mistake for any of the ones above to. Heck, been there, done that. But what if, rather than settling or staying with someone who does not add value to their lives, they did hold out for someone more suited to their lifestyle, or someone who did have the capacity to grow with them on a similar path? Your counterpart should add value to your life, and be stronger as a couple than you are as two individuals. And can you image if both people were so full of self love, how powerful of a relationship that would be?
I know the traditional way of thinking is that a marriage is a bond that should never be broken. And I do agree (hence maybe why I have thoughts against the legal commitment), but I also think people evolve. And it is not so much a lack of respect or lack of desire to make things work – but rather more people are starting to realize their purpose and passion and unfortunately, may outgrow the other.
Maybe it is not so much that there is something or someone better out there, but that person has served their time in your life and now you, and he or she, are ready to move on to the next chapter. Relationships begin and end, and while some may view it as giving up, or being a failure, acknowledge that it has served its purpose in you life and it is time to move on. Maybe it is a bit simplistic to compare relationships to jobs or careers – but what is best for you today may not be what is best for you tomorrow.
I do acknowledge that it is a fairy-tale fantasy to assume that the perfect person is out there, but why not continue to search for someone who does fuel your life just as you fuel your own, and enjoy the journey in the process?