What’s wrong with wanting to be single?

by ~jenniferlynn on June 30, 2013

in Me

I created this blog to write about my “health and fitness journey” as I feel I have typed about 100 times before. but there are other parts to my life, believe it or not, that I also feel are just as important. I wrote a post about Crossfit and Dating not too long ago, and a book I read while on vacation has sparked a fire in me wanting to write more on the topic.

Typically I read very “chick-lit” books and when I am away from the stresses of work and day-to-day life, I love getting lost in a good book and vacation is the perfect time to do so. This past week, I read what I think is probably one of my most favorite books so far in the genre, “Why I Love Singlehood” by Elisa Lorello and Sarah Girrell.

Photo courtesy of Amazon

Photo courtesy of Amazon

I  feel the need to disclaim that I purchased the book myself from Amazon, am under zero obligation to do any sort of review and I am not being compensated in any sort of way for talking about the book (though if you purchase the $3 Kindle book, I will get an itty bitty commission).

I read the book about the 30-something year old single girl, who had a past long-term relationship of complacency and predictability, with her ex breaking up with her not because there was anything wrong, but because something just wasn’t right. Wow, quite a bit of familiarity there..

I finished the page turner in just over a day, not wanting to put it down as I felt such a strong connection with Eva, the lead character, and her romantic, or lack thereof, life. She even was a blogger, yet our similarities somewhat ended there. But despite not being able to re-live my entire life through the pages of this character, I could relate to so many things she experienced, from being in a “content” relationship to online dating to speed dating to eventually just finding happiness being single.

I have been single for five solid months now, and have not been on one date, nor have I actively searched or solicited any. I am quite certain that this is the longest period I have ever gone without dating anyone since I was 18 (when I had my first date, first kiss, late bloomer). I have had no dates, no kisses, and not even any opportunities to either accept or decline a date. TMI? Maybe.

I met my first boyfriend when I was 19, via Love@AOL. After just over four months together, he turned out to be stalker crazy, after he forbade me to go out with my girlfriends to Canada for my 19th birthday. This was after he told me I needed to quit my second job as it was taking away from time that should be spent with him. It was my first serious boyfriend so I was crushed that I was having to make a choice between him and my job; or him and my girlfriends. This ended with him driving an hour to see me almost daily for quite some time, crying outside my bedroom door as I locked myself away..

The next two “boyfriends” I happened to meet while during my short-term bar hopping days (guess he had a reason to not want me to go clubbin’ in Canada!). I can’t remember the timeline of these two; perhaps I dated at the same time? Matt had a nose ring and was covered in colorful tattoos. Bryce had blue spiky hair and smelled divine (if you still exist somewhere out there, please return my Mighty Mighty Bosstones and Jimmy Eat World CDs). One of them gave me mono..

A few months later, I met another guy online, a little younger than me, but tall and muscular, with a fancy black Monte Carlo. He left for the military, so I went right back to the Internet.

And then in October, 2001, at the ripe age of 19 and 3 months, I met Randy. We purchased a home not far from my parents in 2004; he got a dog, I got a dog. I was married less than a year later at 23 and divorced four years later. I feel no need to go into the details of that relationship’s demise, but not long after my divorce was finalized, I was dating again. After each short-term fling or whatever you would call it would end, I would be right back online on the hunt for someone new. None of them lasted more than a few dates. Even when I did start getting serious with someone else, we were so on again, off again, that the off-again parts were flooded with even more first-dates. I could not stand the thought of being alone.

But this last time.. something is just different. I took this breakup harder than any other one before it, but it seems to have had the most positive impact on me. I upped my workouts to 5x or more a week, and cleaned up my diet even more. These small changes led to some positive physical changes, which gave my confidence a nice boost. I made new friends at the gym, where I really didn’t have many friends before. I started to realize that I am my number one priority and my happiness needs to be dependent on me, and no one else.

I have been so busy with Crossfit and spending time there even when I am not working out. Ironically, putting myself first and having a major confidence boost has only made the thought of dating even more unrealistic. I look better, I feel better, but I don’t want to share this with anyone else?

When I wrote my post about Crossfit and dating, I was somewhat half sarcastic, but the other half pretty real. Who has time to date these days? And who wants to date someone whose life completely revolves around themselves, because quite frankly, I am right the front and center of my life.

I am turning 31 on Tuesday and I think I am more clueless about dating and relationships than I was when I was 18. I always wanted the picture perfect wedding, a new house, a dog, some kids. Some of that happened; some didn’t. None of that matters anymore. I preach about learning to love yourself before you can start making other positive changes in your life, but I am quite happy with myself. I am proud of my accomplishments all across the board: I am healthy and fit; have a secure career and make a decent salary; I drive a new car and I am a ‘homeowner’; I have a savings account and a 401k; I have a Bachelor’s degree and a Master’s Degree, and it seems that he only thing socially missing is the man.

In the book, Eva writes a blog and started a series on “WILS (What I Love about Singlehood).” One of my favorite quotes she writes is,

“Singlehood is about finding and committing to the love of your life. I’m talking about literal love of your life. Being in a place of self-sufficiency, strength, independence, comfort, confidence, and happiness is what matters.. you don’t have to be alone to be single. And being single doesn’t mean that you are alone.”

I have all that. I used to think that I needed to be with someone else to be happy, but for the first time, the thought of dating really doesn’t even sound all that appealing to me. I’ve been told to put myself out there (where?), or I must have guys flocking to me (I don’t), or “it will happen when it’s supposed to happen. (I’m not getting any younger).”

While I do think it would be nice to have someone to go to dinner with and someone to fall asleep on the couch next to watching movies, or someone to spoon with, or someone who knows me better than I know myself, or someone to pretend to like my cooking, or someone to kill the centipedes when they invade my bedroom; do I really need these things to be truly happy? It’s almost as if my heart was broken and I have just been filling it up completely with me. I can’t say that this is a bad thing, but I really do not think it is a particularly good thing either.. Though I can somewhat admit being alone can also be a bit lonely..

Elisa June 30, 2013 at 9:31 pm

On behalf of Sarah and myself, thank you so much for featuring WILS as part of your blogpost. We’re so touched by your inspiration. Thank you for sharing your singlehood story with others, and for your honesty in doing so.

Best, Elisa

~jenniferlynn June 30, 2013 at 9:33 pm

I’m really glad that Amazon recommended your book to me. 🙂 I appreciate the kind words!
And cheers to being single. 😉

Bethany Lee
Twitter: bethanyjolee
June 30, 2013 at 9:32 pm

Wow. Deep post and yet I feel there is no resolution. But isn’t that really the way life is anyhow? Seems to me you are right where you need to be. Five months is not that long. There’s a lot to learn. You are learning it now.

Nicole
Twitter: mast2mar
June 30, 2013 at 10:20 pm

I’m glad that singlehood is helping you feel/be stronger, healthier, and happier!!! Sounds like you’ve had an interesting back to back dating life (ick about the mono though!), so its probably a nice refreshing break for you to have some ‘me’ time 🙂

I totally understand about the not having time to date (though I have to say I’ve sort of been avoiding it while in school since its alot of work and I dont have time for that much additional work on top of thesis stuff) even though the idea of dating would be nice (once in a while). For me, I’ve been single/not-dating more than I have been in a relationship (only had one), so I’ve been spoiling myself with lots of me time 🙂 One of my friends however (with the best of intentions) kind of gets on my case about why I’m not dating anyone and so makes suggestions on what I should be doing (and I get sort of annoyed).

Being a fellow single lady, my feeling is being single is a perfectly ok place to be in. And if circumstances are right and I meet a good person, I’d be fine with dating them. But until that happens, its just me and my three legged dog! Cheers to you Jen and your new ‘you’!!!
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GiGi Eats Celebrities
Twitter: dubagee
June 30, 2013 at 10:48 pm

Not gunna lie, I LOVE being single… However, this is going to sound funny but… I totally have been looking in to signing up for a dating website, LOL! My sister found her husband on match….. So I know it can work!
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M.Love
Twitter: Ms_MLove
June 30, 2013 at 10:51 pm

Oh girl – we are SO much alike on this. I was terrified of letting go of an on & off & on & off relationship that I put him before everything. In the last year of CrossFit and finding myself, I have gained more then he could have ever given me. We are off now and I’m figuring it all out. I’ve been on a couple dates in the past two weeks (non CFers which is hard to haha). I LOVE this. And your honesty. It would be nice to have someone to come home to, tell about your day, go places with, etc. But it is also awesome to have a new found strength in myself that I am loving! I’ll be 30 next April and I’m southern. I’m a freak to a lot of my friends because I am still not married and don’t really have plans of it as of now. Single is good. When we find the right one – it will be worth all of it!!
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Tasha @ Healthy Diva June 30, 2013 at 11:31 pm

I think that you are doing what is best for YOU right now and that is the most important thing. 5 months in the scheme of life is really nothing, but it sounds like you are growing into a much stronger and happier person. I think that most people (myself included) have found love when they least expect it.
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Anni July 1, 2013 at 1:45 am

Thanks for sharing your story 🙂 and I really want to read this book now.
Although I am “only” 24, i can totally relate to what you are writing.
Since I started working out and trying to live healthier – i am getting so much more confidence. And from my experience, this does intimidate some men.
Because they cannot really relate or I just don’t get their problem ;))
I am a happy single, I am happy with myself and I think that’s what counts the most.
The rest will fall into place somehow..

Kat
Twitter: KatSnF
July 1, 2013 at 8:19 am

Nothing! Being single is freeing and full of discovery!
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Mandy@fatgirlgonehealthy
Twitter: fatgirlhealthy
July 1, 2013 at 9:06 am

5 months in nothing! Embrace being single you will find yourself. When you finally reach that good place with yourself, the right person will enter your life. It happened to me : )
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Courtney Sheldon
Twitter: eggsandoatsfit
July 1, 2013 at 9:11 am

Such a great read! Way to be so strong, girlfriend! You are a beautiful woman (from who I’ve gotten to know via blogging) inside and out. Thank you for always providing me with inspiration and being such a great gal to look up to! 🙂
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Kim July 1, 2013 at 11:38 am

I think it’s awesome that you are completely Ok with your current status!!! I think that being happy with yourself is the most important thing!

Happy Birthday tomorrow!!!
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Dana Smith July 1, 2013 at 1:14 pm

My mom used to say, don’t look for a man to make you happy. Look for a man to share your happy with. Just one of the goofy things my mom used to say, but like with most things, the older I get the more I appreciate them!

Jenn July 1, 2013 at 3:49 pm

Nothing wrong with being single at all. If you can’t be happy with yourself, you’re never going to be happy with anyone else. It sounds like you are doing a lot of work on yourself right now, and that’s awesome. Enjoy this time spent focused on you!
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jan July 1, 2013 at 4:05 pm

Sounds like you have grown up! Being single and comfortable with it takes some serious maturity and self confidence. You will be SET when the right guy does come along!
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Chrissy July 1, 2013 at 5:06 pm

Being single, while I admit is lonely sometimes, is also awesome. I’ll be the last of my girlfriends to ring in 32 this August, and the top five of my best girlfriends and I are all still single. It’s more important to be who you are and do exactly what you want to do at this time in your life rather than being in an “eh” relationship. You only have so long to be “selfish”! Enjoy it now because everything is just as it should be (and it took me a long time to get to this point)!
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Sloane @ SIF July 1, 2013 at 9:03 pm

Ah I so love this. I’ve been writing a few times about my quest to loving myself, and am finding it so fun and so freeing for the first time. This book sounds fabulous–thanks for the review!
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Renee @BendifulBlog July 2, 2013 at 6:40 am

Life has a way of giving us just what we need! You sound like you are in a wonderful place. Single isn’t the end all be all so enjoy the time and if mister right should come along you are able to share your happy with them.

You are a strong wonderful woman! I’m happy to know you 🙂

Also side note how did I not know you were married before? And the Mono ewww no!
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RunFastMama
Twitter: runfastmama
July 2, 2013 at 3:24 pm

Having been with my current husband since 21, lol, I have no advice on being single although I imagine with being single, married, etc the bottom line is loving yourself and being happy and secure and making yourself happy. No one can do that for you, as you know.

You are strong and quite the catch! Any guy would be lucky to have you, but for now, enjoy your you time – I can tell you a lot of that goes away with kids 😉
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